I don’t love my brother

Ok so this might sound sort of harsh and you might think how can she write that, much less make it her title? Well here is the story. I am an only child. Correction - an only child with a half brother who is 10 years older and was raised by his mom in florida. My parents went through a lot to have me. They lost 3 other almost full term children and I was the only one who made it into this universe. So they are super over protective and have gifted me with various issues (more in future posts).

My dad was married before he met my mom to his HS sweetheart. They had a messy divorce after joining the peace corps. Her family was a strict army family and they totally cut my dad out of the picture. My dad met my mom in the 70’s and I was born in 1978 after the death of my sister Rebecca in 1975 (half brothers, deceased siblings, only part of the drama). I remember seeing my ”brother” maybe twice during my childhood, he may have visited? My dad and him had a falling out for about 10  years when my brother got a girl knocked up and was into his partying mode in his high school years. After this falling out my brother moved to NH where we were and was doing some sort of photography job at a ski resort or something. All my memories are shadowy as my family is notorious for sweeping everything under the rug and sugarcoating it. Anyhow he got into trouble with the law (later found out it was a DUI) and ran back to FL. He now lives there with his wife and my “nephew” who is 7? I think.

As a child my folks sent him various packages for all the appropriate holidays. His mom either tossed them or returned them, creating his angst towards our father. He came to visit when he was 4 (before I was born) I was told on a plane by himself - imagine how unsafe this would be nowadays!? We have talked on the phone maybe a handful of times my whole life. His visit a few years ago was awkward and strange. When we do talk he goes on an on about how wonderful I am and how much he loves me. But this just feels wrong to me as he is not really part of my life. We are related by blood but that is all. I know this sounds cold, but I really don’t feel like I have any relationship with him.

He have never been there for any specific milestones or called or mailed a card on a significant date. Our limited conversations (I am thirty and can count the times we have spoken on less than 10 fingers) have always seemed forced. Somehow into the conversations always comes some awkward point where I say my dad, and then correct it to just dad or our dad - it just seems weird to me to share a dad with someone I hardly know. He sometimes makes comments on how he wants to be a better father to his son than his dad was and he makes me feel as if he knows I got the better deal in terms of dads. Our relationship is just fluff, no drama or depth, but it is almost like he is just a neighbor or aquaintance that you just catch up with every now and then. My husband has a half brother and sister, but he never uses the word ”half” as he was raised with them and they were born when he was there so I think to him they seem more than just half (other than that their mother is his evil stepmother).

Anyhow where does this random rant stem from? Well my mom and dad called me and mentioned that my “brother” had to go to the hospital for chest pains. They said I should call him and send my well wishes. I just feel like I have to call him not that I want to. I know this sounds terrible but it is just such a weird dynamic. I mean has he called me when I have been sick or when my daughters were sick, born, baptized… or when my husband was in Iraq for 15 months and I was a single mom and he could have called to check in and see how I was doing? So I have been putting off this call and I know I have to call out of family duty and because I am the better person who does not look at calling him in terms of how many times he has called me etc… but I just feel odd to call him and be all sisterly. Don’t get me wrong, if this was a friend of a friend I would call or drop an email to say hey, let me know if you need anything. But this is my “brother” and I just don’t know what to say. Does this make me a heartless bitch? I don’t know, but through our veins some of the same blood, genes, quirks flow, but I don’t at all feel connected to him as a sibling.